That was a question by the way, rather than a statement. The answer is, I have no idea. I mean, are we meant to have our shit together by now? Own your own home, car, have beautiful children, Marriage, great paying Job.
Well, that’s exactly how I envisioned it, my twenties were spent trying to work out why I wasn’t even close to achieving all this by my thirties, and now I’m spending my thirties wallowing in the thought, my life has not gone to plan.
Admittedly I’m talking with a bit of sense right now, but there are many nights I’ve spent crying into my wine glass, alone. I think depression and loneliness hit me in my mid 20s, and up until now I just thought it was something I had to accept had happened and will probably stay with me forever.
Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that I’ve spent so much time, so much precious time, worrying my life hadn’t gone to plan, that I actually stopped living it. I locked myself away, hardly left the house unless accompanied by someone, constantly cancelled plans, I threw myself into my work and university, and coped with that through crying into my glass of wine. About 2 years ago I think I experienced what some people call a “breakdown” now just to be clear this term does not exist, but it’s a way of describing the situation in its easiest form. There is always a way back.
Part of my healing was to take a look at my whole life and try to put certain things right, I went back to my childhood and recognised how traumatic it was for me, I tried therapy but knew the only way to really deal with this situation was to face it head on. It’s been two years and the police are still investigating. Not exactly the “face it head on” experience I was expecting, it’s been long, slow and heartbreaking.
Again, I kept trying to change things. I kept trying to change who I am, what’s made me who I am. Why was I doing this?
I spent my life criticising myself and trying to change things I had no control over, I actually stopped living. I mean I’m here, but I stopped enjoying life a long time ago.
Until recently, after a relationship where there was a hurricane of love, and thunderstorms of passion, it was also unpredictably destructive, and no matter how much each of us tried to fight back against the elements, we fell apart, not just as a couple but as individuals. The hardest thing I have ever had to learn is that sometimes, Love alone isn’t enough.
It is important to remember being in your 30s is still young! There is still so much of the world you haven’t seen, foods you haven’t tried, books unread and films unseen! I have started to look back at my life not with negativity and a need to change it, but with the idea of doing more of what I love, even if it means biting the bullet, stamping over all of my anxieties and doing it alone.
This is my journey of trying to once again enjoy my life, doing new things, doing more of the things I love and telling you a little bit about it along the way.
Thank you for being a part of this!
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.” Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love